How to Stay {Happily} Married

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...or, Building a Strong Marriage Wall

“Every wise woman buildeth her house, but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”

This week, like a knife in the gut, I learned that a friend had gotten a divorce. 

The strangest thing about it is that the husband is a fine Christian man, and they had a desire to serve the Lord.

How can two people who love the Lord not get along so badly that they get a divorce?? 

My husband and I have been talking at length lately, discussing the road so many people travel which leads to divorce.  It appears as though a pattern ultimately lead to the demise of the family.  For now, however, let’s talk about

                How a wise woman can build her house

Imagine a man building a wall.  Brick by brick, piece by piece, he lays down first the foundation, and then the first layer, and the second, and so on.  He works with a smile, knowing this is for his family, whom he loves dearly.  It may not be perfect, because he’s only young and has never done this before, but his heart is in it, and it is his own personal labor of love.

Soon his wife appears.  He looks at her with a grin but stops when he notices her frown.  Striding to the wall, she points at it and sneers, “What’s this?  A mess??  What are you thinking?!?  I can’t believe you would try to build a wall using those bricks!”  She begins pulling at the blocks, berating him at the same time.  He drops his head and slowly walks away, shoulders drooping.

That woman is fast on her way to tearing down her house, and living in low-income housing with no protection whatsoever.

How can this marriage be saved?  What can be done to help this situation?      

Here are some ideas my husband and I thought of for building a strong marriage:

1.        Don’t tear down the wall your husband is trying to build.  Simply have a little self-control and keep your  mouth shut.

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This is where a direct line to God is really wonderful!  You may not be able to say anything to anybody, but does that mean you have to leave it festering inside?  Of course not!  Does that mean that nothing will ever be done about the situation??  Of course not!  Why not take your frustrations too the Lord, who can turn the rivers!  (see Proverbs 21:1)

2.        Decorate the wall!  Make the most out of a less-than-perfect situation!  So your man wants to start up a new business, and you have to sacrifice to help come up with the needed money.  You may even think he will fail!  The wall seems crooked and out of fashion.  That’s ok; make the most of it!  Support your husband, be his cheerleader!  Determine that you will be happy, no matter what, because happiness is not in happenings, it is in the Lord.  Decorate that wall, crooked though it may be, and your good taste and cheer will be the driving force behind his success.

3.       Admire the good that he does – out loud!  (And don’t forget to feel his strong muscles every once in a while!)  J   It sure does add some honey to the romance.

4.       Praise for effort, not performance.  Thank him for his hard work on a job or around the house.

5.       Support him by making good meals and greeting him nicely dressed.  No hair-rollers when hubby comes to the door!

6.       Visit him while he’s involved in his projects; sometimes you can even co-labor with him.  For example, you could bring him iced tea while he’s mowing the grass. 

7.       Ask the Lord to help you build up your marriage and not tear it down.  Marriages do not fall apart in a night, and they do not get built in a night.  Be willing to take some time to work on it and wait patiently for the rewards. 

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The rewards may be long in coming, but they will come!  After all, where will you be in ten years?  Determine that you will be happily married (to the same man, of course!). 

Let’s do what we can to build up our marriages.

Maybe you have some more ideas.  Share them with us!

Beauty in the Barren Land

Our latest excursion was to take a hike through Hellhole Canyon!  Not a very appealing name, I must admit, but the scenery has a certain way of "growing on you."

Here in Hellhole Canyon, the rugged terrain may look benign, but every scraggly bush has its share of thorns and pricklies.

The brave canyon hikers obtained walking sticks from pulling up rough plants and scraping the spikes off them.  Here we are just getting ready to depart.

My Beloved and I conquered a rock!

Another mighty warrior (Lydia) conquered an even larger rock!

Father and daughter enjoying the rugged scenery!

In the barren land, it seems that there is only thorns, scrub, and cactus, but when you look closely, you can see tiny expressions of the beauty and love of God.

God always has beauty, sometimes virtually hidden, but it is nevertheless still there.  Then, He brings us out into a wide, beautiful place, where the blooms and flowers abound, and we sense His goodness all around!  Those times, though they are rare, are still wonderful.  But if I must go through a thorny, scrubby valley, I can know for sure that there are flowers - there is beauty - even in the barren land.

We saw this dog living a life of ease, very literally resting on his laurels!!

Even tiny flowers along the roadside bring glory to their Creator!

Another God and glory-filled day comes to a close, but not without another splash of beauty across the sky.  


Someone else must have sensed the romance, for we saw a Styrofoam proposal on a fence, and of course, an equally Styrofoam reply!

Let's keep our eyes out for beauty - and romance - in unlikely places.  The Lord has plenty of it out there for us if we open our eyes to see it!


Forever His,

Obstacles to an Excellent Marriage

Ernest Shackleton stood on the ice with the rest of his crew, watching his beloved ship as she was slowly crushed by the shifting ice.  The cracks and groans of the wooden ship, their home for the past fifteen months, were heart-rending.  Within minutes, the ship was crushed by the ice and disappeared, leaving the men standing on the coldest surface known to man in the middle of nowhere without any hope of rescue.  They would have to find their own way back, surmounting incredible obstacles – unspeakable cold, lack of food, and a myriad of dangers as they went.

 This month, we’re talking a lot about Stewarding Our Marriages.  Today we’re going to tackle Obstacles to an Excellent Marriage.  All of us come into marriage with obstacles, either of our own making, or obstacles that are put there by the Devil himself.  Let’s take a few minutes to clear out some of the obstacles in our lives that may be preventing us from having marriages that are all that the Lord wants them to be.

1.     

   Selfishness – “He should be taking care of me!”  We often tend to think selfishly, wanting folks to cater to our wants and desires.  Taking that attitude into marriage is can be quite a large obstacle. 

a.       Solution:  We need to be careful to examine our hearts and ask the Lord if there is selfishness rooted in our heart that He needs to remove.  “Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes”  Song of Solomon 2:15.

2.       Laziness – (an offshoot of selfishness)  “I just don’t feel like putting any effort into it.” 

a.       Solution:  Realize that, without effort, your marriage will disintegrate.  “By much slothfulness the building decayeth; and through idleness of the hands the house droppeth through” Ecclesiastes 10:18.

3.       Fear – “I’m afraid I’m going to run out of _________” Fear is a very big and real foe.  We can fill in that blank with one, or several of any number of things.  We may think we will run out of love, or that we will not have enough energy.  “I won’t have anything left for myself!” we think.

a.       Solution:  “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love”  1 John 4:18

b.      Always remember the widow’s pot of oil which kept on going as she was pouring it.  Only when there was nothing left to do, did the oil stop.

c.       Remember that it is God who works through us, and He never runs dry!  “For we are labourers together with God:”  1 Corinthians 3:9

4.       Wrong thinking – Many times we are beset with incorrect thinking. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.   For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” Isaiah 55:8-9.  Here are some incorrect thought patterns we ladies often have:

a.       Making the assumption that I don’t have to really put effort into my marriage.  “I’m the exception; others may have rough spots, but we’ll be fine.”  I think we all know how dangerous assumptions can be.

I read a story about a big news photographer who needed to photograph some fires from the air.  He showed up at the airport, saw a plane warming up, hurriedly jumped aboard and told the pilot, “Let’s get going!”  Within minutes, the plane was airborne.  The photographer told the pilot, “Ok, I need you to fly low over those fires over there so I can get some good pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot. 

“Because I’m a photographer for the big news agency, and I need to get pictures of the fires!”

The pilot was silent for minute, and then asked, “You mean, you’re not my flight instructor??”

Never assume.  It’s dangerous.

b.      Wanting fairness.  “He doesn’t put much effort into it, so why should I?”

c.       Roadblocks of the mind.  “I can’t!” 

                                                               i.      Don’t get “Can’t, Sir!” (cancer!)

                                                             ii.      You are capable of more than you think  (see Philippians 4:13).

d.      Giving up.  “I just don’t care anymore.  I give up.”  This is one of the saddest of all, and one I have heard time and again from disheartened wives.  We need not ever give up.  There is always hope; as long as there is breath, there is hope. 

                                                               i.      Visiting a church last year, the girls were spinning on the merry-go-round.  On and on they spun, and more and more people joined them until it was loaded with laughing spinning young people.  One of the church girls said, “That’s it, I’m tired.  I’m getting off.”

Sharon smiled and told her, “But remember, ‘girls never quit!’”

“Oh, that’s right!” she said.  “Thank you for reminding me of that, Sharon!” and she got on and went awhile longer.

   It’s a saying amongst the girls in our house, “Never give up!  Girls aren’t quitters!”

                                                             ii.      Remember, that’s one of Satan’s biggest ploy:  If he can’t sideline you with sin, he will try to distract you.  If he can’t distract you, he will try to discourage you.

                                                            iii.      Never confuse tiredness and sickness with defeat.  If you’re tired or ill, get some rest, get some food, spend time in the Psalms . . . but never, never give up!

The bitter cold morning which dawned on Shackleton’s crew gave no hint of the incredible events that were about to take place.  The men were doing their usual polar routines when they were shocked by a sight almost unbelievable: a ship in the distance!  Somehow, against all odds, and against incredible hardships, Shackleton had not only gotten to civilization, but had come back through the relentless icy seas for his men!  Within minutes, the men were scrambling from their tents, some hastily lighting a greasy fire, while others stood on the shore, madly waving and yelling. 

The saga of Shackleton’s voyage, shipwreck, and survival had a wonderfully happy ending because he hurtled every obstacle that stood in his path.  The complications were tremendous, but he never gave in, gave out, or gave up.  Let’s let Shackleton’s determination speak to us about our marriages, and remove, go around, or hurtle any obstacles we may have in our path to an excellent marriage!

Hugs,

How to Have a GREAT "Date Night" (without breaking the bank!)

Still happily married...after twenty-eight years!

During our time out together recently, we spent some time reading a book together, Communication: Key to Your Marriage, by H. Norm Wright.  In it, I saw this tremendous quote:

“Commitment is more than maintaining; it is more than continuing to stick it out with a poor choice of a spouse.  Commitment is investing – working to make the relationship grow.”

Communication: Key to Your Marriage

When we talk about Stewarding Our Marriages, we need to consider the principles of INTENSITY and VARIETY.  Intensity is allowing the romance to flare up on occasions, or even helping it to flare up, and variety is the spice of life!  A regular (or even an irregular) Date Night helps to bring some INTENSITY and VARIETY to the marriage.

Here are some ideas on how to have a great “Date Night:”

1.        PLAN FOR IT!  One of the first and foremost ways to have a great Date Night is to Plan for It!  First, plan on having fun, and second, plan the event!  It takes some extra work, but it is really worth it.

a.       Plan for the right baby sitter.  If you have the right childcare, you can relax and have a good time.  Swap evenings with a friend, or hire a young lady from church whom you trust. 

b.      Plan the right time.   Actually, for us, it’s really hard to have “just the right time,” so we just TAKE the time.  Either way, it is still time invested well.

2.       EAT TOGETHER!   The saying goes that “it is impossible to argue over a very good meal” is very true!  You don’t have to eat expensively, either.  Just a cute picnic dinner at a lake would provide enough variety (not to mention romance!) to make it fun!  Take a bit of time to do some research to find a place to eat together.

3.       PLAN TO KEEP THE CONVERSATION LIGHT!  Try not to bring up any “business,” if possible.  If you really need to talk about finances or baby Johnny’s ear infections, try to keep it brief, then go on to fun stuff.

a.       One of our favorite things to talk about it memories.  When we were younger, we had less of them (of course) but now that we are older, there are many more things to remember. 

b.      Think about pet topics your spouse likes to talk about!  Maybe he enjoys talking about diesel mechanics, or maybe he likes to talk about marine life.  Perhaps he’s into `a game of some sort.  These topics may be boring to you, but listening shows you care.

4.       HAVE FUN!  There are a million things to do that don’t cost a lot of money. 

a.       Take a walk at a park.

My Beloved and I out for a stroll around the church property!

b.      Go window shopping.  This is one of our favorite things to do.  We get to see what’s out there, and we enjoy going away from the store with empty hands, feeling the money still in our pockets.

c.       Go to the airport and watch planes take off and land.

d.      Take a drive!  One of the things we enjoy doing is exploring.  We see something in the distance, or even a building we’d like to see that’s not too far away, and we go look for it.

e.      Geocaching!  I’ve not tried it myself, although I’ve always wanted to.  If you have a GPS, you can look online to find the coordinates of hidden treasures, and then input the coordinates on your GPS, and go on a treasure hunt!  Remember, though, you must always leave another treasure in its place, so the next guy can have fun looking for it.

f.     Unplanned romance!  Remember, there’s nothing wrong with a little romance in the car, since you’re married! ;)

Let’s take a little extra time to plan a memorable excursion with our spouse!  If any of you have any more ideas, please share them; we’d love to hear what other thoughts you may come up with.

The Wonder of Memories, or, Twenty-Eight Years!

I would never have dreamed she was 80 years old, but with a glowing face that made her look quite young, she spoke lovingly of her late husband after the evening service.

“Yes, he passed away in December of last year.  It was so hard to believe that he was 93 years old!  He was simply a beautiful man,” she smiled.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I replied.  “I would love to see a picture of him.  Do you have one?”

Surprised by my request, she dug into her purse and brought out her phone.  She showed it to me, beaming.  I looked into the kindly, quite handsome face of a white-haired gentleman.  Turning to her I remarked that it was unbelievable to think that he was actually 93!

“How long were you married?” I wondered.

“Twenty-eight years,” she replied.  She then told me that her first husband had also passed away, but the Lord had blessed her with her second husband, who was simply a wonderful man.

Then it hit me: I have been married twenty-eight years, just on Saturday!!  My Beloved and I got married on January 7, 1984, and have been married for over a quarter of a century!

“You know,” she said, bringing me back to the present.  “Falling in love is such an enchanting feeling.  It’s a good thing it goes away, or we wouldn’t be able to stand it!  But he was such a delightful man, and I’m thankful for the time I had with him.”

I nodded, saying, “Ah, but you have the memories.  And wonderful memories they are, I’m sure.”

She smiled like a schoolgirl.

“That’s one thing I really like about good memories,” I continued.  “You get to enjoy them twice!  Once, when you make them, and then later, when you think about them again!”

When she left the church, I thought for sure I saw her floating out the door.

So, for your information, My Beloved and I are going out to create more lovely memories for the next day or so.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MY LOVE!  It’s been a wonderful twenty-eight years, and I look forward to twenty-eight (at least!) more!!

Announcing: Stephen & Jessica's Engagement!

How does that saying go, When it rains, it pours?? 

 

                         

We are so happy to announce the engagement of our son, Stephen, to the young lady he has been in love with for quite some time - Jessica!

They met at a Jubilee meeting in southern Indiana several years ago, but it wasn't until 2010 that their relationship really began.  And now they're getting married!  

Stephen proposed on Christmas Day, but I've been waiting until I got some pictures to announce the good news.  They're planning the wedding for the last week in July later on this year.  (Two daughters-in-law in one year's time...our family is rapidly expanding!!)

Congratulations, Stephen and Jessica!  We are thrilled to have Jessica as part of the family, and excited about what the future holds for both of you!

7 Ideas to Build Your Marriage

“Every wise woman buildeth her house, but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”

This week, like a knife in the gut, I learned that a friend had gotten a divorce. 

The strangest thing about it is that the husband is a fine Christian man, and they had a desire to serve the Lord.

How can two people who love the Lord get along so badly that they get a divorce?? 

My husband and I have been talking at length lately, discussing the road so many people travel which leads to divorce.  It appears as though a pattern ultimately lead to the demise of the family.  

For now, however, let’s talk about:

              {How a wise woman can build her house}

Imagine a man building a wall.  Brick by brick, piece by piece, he lays down first the foundation, and then the first layer, and the second, and so on.  He works with a smile, knowing this is for his family, whom he loves dearly.  It may not be perfect, because he’s only young and has never done this before, but his heart is in it, and it is his own personal labor of love.

Soon his wife appears.  He looks at her with a grin but stops when he notices her frown.  Striding to the wall, she points at it and sneers, “What’s this?  A mess??  What are you thinking?!?  I can’t believe you would try to build a wall using those bricks!”  She begins pulling at the blocks, berating him at the same time.  He drops his head and slowly walks away, shoulders drooping.

That woman is fast on her way to tearing down her house, and living in low-income housing with no protection whatsoever.

How can this marriage be saved?  What can be done to help this situation?

      

Here are some ideas my husband and I thought of for building a strong marriage:

1.        Don’t tear down the wall your husband is trying to build.  Simply have a little self-control and keep your  mouth shut.

This is where a direct line to God is really wonderful!  You may not be able to say anything to anybody, but does that mean you have to leave it festering inside?  Of course not!  Does that mean that nothing will ever be done about the situation??  Of course not!  Why not take your frustrations too the Lord, who can turn the rivers!  (see Proverbs 21:1)

2.        Decorate the wall!  Make the most out of a less-than-perfect situation!  So your man wants to start up a new business, and you have to sacrifice to help come up with the needed money.  You may even think he will fail!  The wall seems crooked and out of fashion.  That’s ok; make the most of it!  Support your husband, be his cheerleader!  Determine that you will be happy, no matter what, because happiness is not in happenings, it is in the Lord.  Decorate that wall, crooked though it may be, and your good taste and cheer will be the driving force behind his success.

3.       Admire the good that he does – out loud!  (And don’t forget to feel his strong muscles every once in a while!)  J   It sure does add some honey to the romance.

4.       Praise for effort, not performance.  Thank him for his hard work on a job or around the house.

5.       Support him by making good meals and greeting him nicely dressed.  No hair-rollers when hubby comes to the door!

6.       Visit him while he’s involved in his projects; sometimes you can even co-labor with him.  For example, you could bring him iced tea while he’s mowing the grass. 

7.       Ask the Lord to help you build up your marriage and not tear it down.  Marriages do not fall apart in a night, and they do not get built in a night.  Be willing to take some time to work on it and wait patiently for the rewards. 

The rewards may be long in coming, but they will come!  After all, where will you be in ten years?  Determine that you will be happily married (to the same man, of course!). 

Let’s do what we can to build up our marriages.

Jonathan & Brooke -  December 10, 2011

"I now pronounce you man and wife"

Keep the home fires burning!

Jonathan and Brooke's Wedding!!

Jonathan and Brooke's wedding was truly a beautiful event!  It's so hard to believe that now there's another Mrs. Raub!!  Yikes!  In spite of the usual mishaps and forgotten items, everything went very smoothly.  I actually had a good deal of my family participating in the wedding itself, and that was a real blessing to me.  Kathryn and her family were there as well, and she played the piano for the wedding.

Here are a bunch of pics, and next time I post I will put on more!

My son Jonathan has the white tie, and my grandson Matthew, the ring bearer, is in the vest standing next to him.  His best man was Stephen, my second son.  Then there is Mark and Brooke's two brothers, and on the far right is my youngest son Jason.  What a good looking group of young men!

Jonathan and Stephen have always been the best of friends.  It was great for them to be together again after so long a time.

April, the Maid of Honor, is in the red dress.  My daughter Sharon is behind her, Cheyanne, Brooke's sister is beside her, and Jessica is in the right rear.  Laura, Mark's girl, is to the right of Jonathan.  I loved their dresses!

Brooke's dress was also quite pretty!  That black sash ties everything together.  See the flower girl?  Her dress had a sprinkling of flower petals freely distributed in the tulle!  It was so cute to watch her shift the petals around during the ceremony.

Beautiful girls on a beautiful day!

Sharon and I

My Beloved watching Matthew, our grandson coming down the aisle

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part."

You may now kiss the bride!  

The Happy Couple!

Oh, how time flies!  Wasn't it just last week that I was holding Jonathan's hand as he toddled with unsteady legs?  Didn't I just teach him how to read a few days ago?  It feels like only yesterday that we were all together, singing.  


To you who are lost in the forest of little children, remember, it will be only a few days and they will be gone.  But, oh, how blessed you will be as you watch them go out on their own to live for the Lord!


To God Be the Glory!